Monday, January 25, 2010

Scientific Proof that Hitler is in Heaven

If you weren't aware that Adolph Hitler has been the poster boy of evil for over half of a century or that the Bible is the official handbook of getting into heaven, and really, really advises against all things evil, it is time for you to close this window, get off your futon, scribble a goodbye note in your favorite Crayola color, and dutifully play in traffic. You will not be missed.

Conventional wisdom would deem it the safest bet in the well documented (for finger removing purposes) history of gambling that Hitler had a VIP ticket for the worst eternal sack-smashinghell has ever furnished, and it was promptly punched the second ol' Nutty Adolph took the easy way out. No milling around in line behind the millions he murdered. No chat with St. Pete. No optional purgatory. Hitler went strait to hell. Right?

Wrong. I've made it my life's mission to spit big nasty loogies in the face of conventional wisdom whenever possible, and this notion needs to be put to rest, phlegm style. Without getting off my futon I have constructed an argument so bullet-proof for Hitler's residence in heaven that even the good Sir Isaac Newton would have to say "f**k me, that's irrefutable."

Everyone thinks of Satan as some insatiable monster presiding over a limitless domain of terror. In reality he's just an over-hyped prison warden with a shitload of unruly detainees to manage. And terrorize. As one could imagine, this job sucks some serious nard, and let's face it - Satan is only one devil. His legion of demons try their damnedest (get it?), but how much can you really expect out of a bunch of immortals who thought it made sense to side with the guy who told God to blow himself. (I'm not saying I can't relate, but giving up the working conditions and benefits of heaven is indicative of incompetence in decision making.)

So Lucifer's already under enough stress as it is. (Luckily, his pesky habit of going on multiple shooting sprees every day at work is generally regarded as a strength in his job performance.) The last thing the guy needs is the chaos that would ensue from admitting the most infamous, genocidal war and humanity criminal to ever mutilate the face of the earth.

Think about it. It would be like trying to conduct an AA meeting with Kid Rock and Jack Daniels in the room.

Or like inviting Bernie Madoff to a business ethics forum of Wall Street investment bankers.

Or like putting Carlos Mencia in a class for people who aren't actually funny.

Regardless of whether or not all the damned souls in hell were Adolphiles or were still decent enough to hate his guts, Satan knew he would have one hell of a riot (get it?) on his hands if he took in the late Fuhrer. Anyone or anything that controversial is bound to mess shit up.

So what was Satan to do? Well, he talked to God of course. I know what you're thinking - Satan talking to God? They're, like, the definition of sworn enemies! It could be herpes...Nah, it's probably nothing. But you're thinking wrong, on both issues. Although they don't really like to talk about it, God and Satan have been on fairly good terms ever since the Flood. (God: "Damn that felt great!" Devil: "I know, right? LOLZ!!!") Their eternal battle for the souls of humankind isn't nearly as hostile as it used to be. It's more on par with the way we play golf. Sure there's a lot of swearing and bloodshed, but they're really just there to get smashed and forget about their family obligations.

On April 30th, 1945 as Hitler was mulling over whether he wanted to down some cyanide or put a bullet in his head ("Piss on it. I am not waking up to the barrel of a Russian's gun in an Allied medical tent. I'm doin' both.") Satan saw the crisis he was about to face with his soon-to-be guest for the rest of ever, and knew he didn't have much time. He remembered that he had forgotten something the Big Man had said to him about Hitler, so after anxiously bullshitting with God's holier-than-though receptionist he got the Creator on the line.

"Satan, how the hell are ya?"

"Ha. Good one. I'm actually about to lose my shit. Thanks for asking."

"Oh? What's up?"

"Hitler's about to do himself. Don't act like you're not watching."

Audible laughter. "Yeah, yeah. This is good stuff. But what's the big deal?" More laughter.

"Good one. Again. You're hilarious. You know I don't have the capacity to take that nutjob."

"Reelaaax. Have you looked at our contract lately?"

"No. I haven't. Because you've never let me see it in - let me see - ever."

"Hahaha. Yeah, good point. Well, I guess you can take a look at page 283."

Reading fax. "The Hitler Clause? God dammit. This would've been nice to know like yesterday. Or forever ago. You can really be the biggest dickhole I know. And I'm the one everyone hates.
So much bullshit."

"Cool it, Redhot. I can smite that contract whenever I want. But it's settled. Now...I'm taking Jesus and Mother Nature to see Avatar. It doesn't come out for another sixty-four years, and it will blow your f**king mind. Wanna come?"

"Really? You mean it?"

"No." Most exuberant laughter yet.

"F**k you." Click.

The contract that God was referring to was their terms of agreement for soul acquisition. Before they were getting along so swimmingly the Father had given the Devil a pink belly for three eternities until he signed the document without getting a single look at what it said. God knew that Hitler was going to happen (duh), and had written in the clause for that exact situation. He hadn't explained the details to Satan because, well, God has a sense of humor when it comes to withholding info (see: gravity, universe, women, etc.) and gets a kick out of dicking with his business partners.

Basically the clause stated that in the event of Hitler's death God would 1. laugh his ass off as Satan shit his pants worrying about the shitstorm he would be expecting, and 2. take Hitler in heaven.

But why would God want to do that? Well first of all another common misconception needs to be addressed. Heaven is not outer space, and hell is not in the mantel or core of the earth. They are in fact, part of an entirely separate dimension. The few times I've visited this dimension I was too hammered to remember it in any detail, but in essence heaven and hell are like two islands. They're pretty much right next to each other, so everyone in hell can hear how good of a time they're missing out on. (It's basically the best party you couldn't even imagine, considering how many of the best performing artists ever are dead. A couple of them had to make it into heaven.) But that also means that if there's an unholy racket on Hell Island, the heavenites would hear it, and that would totally put a damper on the party. Nobody ruins God's parties, but God. And Chuck Norris once. So God wanted to avoid the riot.

To most people this would seem like a problem. Having Hitler in heaven might not go over so well with the rest of the locals. But as we know from the Bible, God can be pretty creative when he feels like it. (See: everything.) The Almighty even made a bet with Satan (for Tim Tebow's soul) that he could make Hitler suffer more than he would have in hell, and not piss off anyone else in heaven. God won handily. He made Hitler an attraction. Since his death Adolph has been kept in small cramped glass box (much like my cat) through which passes all of the sewage of heaven (holy shit), and from which he has a spectacular view of the Jew Wing's cafeteria. That's right. Hitler is on the 64th year of an eternity of sitting in an uncomfortably small space, up to his Charlie Chaplin mustache in angel feces, watching Jews eat, and getting hated on by everyone.

That doesn't just make sense. It's science.

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